Check out Persiansque Magazine’s exclusive interview with Jimmy Vestvood: He dishes on his life as a Private Investigator, son, and now…Sexiest Persian Alive.
PERSIANESQUE MAGAZINE: With great thanks for joining us for this interview, how does it feel to be voted “The Sexiest Persian Alive”?
JIMMY VESTVOOD: Oh my gosh, supertacular! I esteel can’t believe it. Vow! Who came in 2nd?
PEM: No one. You got 100% of the votes.
PEM: On behalf of all the ladies out there, I need to ask you: Are you single?
PEM: You hesitated.
JV: Vell, okay, I admit, I have been saving myself for Charleez Teron but she is playing a little hard to get, so I tink it is time for me to move on and date odder vomen.
PEM: Charlize Theron, wow, you have great taste in women. Do you have a type?
JV: I am an equal opportoonity sexist. Persian, Amerikan, Escandanavian. Blonde, Broonet, Redhair. Estraight, lesbian, bisexual. I don’t diskriminate. I love vomen. Espeshelly if they have a hot body and know how to cook like my mother.
PEM: Your mother must be a good cook. What’s your favorite dish?
JV: Potatoe tahdeeg and koo-koo sandvich.
PEM: Ummmm! …Are you close to your mother? Do you see her everyday?
JV: I live vith her!
PEM: You mean you don’t have your own bachelor pad?
JV: No, I live vith Maman in an apartment in Vestvood.
PEM: Of course you do, Mr. Jimmy Vestvood! By the way, what’s your real name?
JV: Jamshid Vahedi, but I changed it to Jimmy Vestvood vhen I became a private investeegator.
PEM: Being a P.I. is a very unusual or uncommon occupation for an Iranian. Tell us, how did you get into this line of work?
JV: It all estarted back in Iran vhen I vas a leetel boy. My father, god rest his soul, took me to see dis movie called Bullitt estarring Esteve McQueen. Eversince dat day I have vanted to be a lieutenant like Frank Bullitt.
PEM: But, do you have a special license or formal training in P.I. work?
JV: Don’t vorry, I’ve vatched Bullitt von hundered times. I know everyting der is to know about estalking and private investigating.
PEM: What are the requirements for your job?
JV: A good tape recorder, a pair of binokulars, and a bag of pistachios to pass the time.
PEM: Have you had any high profile cases?
JV: Yes, the Tiger Voods sex escandal.
PEM: Wow, were you hired by Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren?
JV: No, I vas hired by my friend, Homayoun’s sister, Latifeh who had a von night estand vith Tiger’s Vood at the LAX Marriott. She vanted me to gather some evidence against Tiger for a sexuval harassment law soot vich I am not at leeberty to diskuss.
PEM: Right. Are you working on any other cases currently?
JV: Yes, I am investeegating a Persian Fonzi skeem.
PEM: You mean Ponzi scheme.
JV: Eggzactly! Poor Homayoun and his family got berned by some son-of-a-basterd, so I am going deep under de cover to expose de skeem.
PEM: Sounds dangerous.
JV: Vell, as somevon famous vonce said “der is noting to fear but fear itself”.
PEM: Very impressive! Seems like you’re well-read, Jimmy.
JV: Yes, I tery to reed von book every year.
PEM: What’s your favorite book and why?
JV: The Leetel Preence. It’s my fayveret becoz it gives me gooze bumps, espeshelly vhen de Fox tells de Leetel Preence dat his rose on Asteroid B612 is unique and especial becoz she is de von dat he loves. Also becoz it’s less dan von hundered pages and has a lot of peekchairs.
PEM: Besides reading, what’s your favorite pastime?
JV: Going to Rite Aid vith Maman to get a double escoop of Meent Cheep ice creem.
PEM: Do you play any sports?
PEM: How do you stay in such fantastic shape?
JV: I do von hundered situps, von hundered push-ups, and von pull-up everyday.
PEM: You mean one hundred pull-ups…?
JV: No, just von.
PEM: Well, you gotta be in real good shape if you’re gonna chase the bad guys, right?
JV: Actually, I just did my annual physikal vith Doktor Eskandarian. He checked my belood and said dat my good kolesterol is bad but tanks god my bad kolesterol is good. My sugar is high — dats vhy i am so sveet! My leever, hart and viagra are all top of de line. Knock on vood.
PEM: Knock on Vestvood!
JV: Good von!
PEM: What’s the most embarrassing moment you’ve experienced?
JV: Hmmm…It’s a tie betveen being belacklisted from Costco on Belack Feriday for using Homayoun’s card, and being busted at de Grove movie theater vith Maman for esneeking into Robin’s Hood after Alice In Vonderland. De son-of-a-gun security officer even confiskated Maman’s koo-koo sandviches.
PEM: Ouch! Shifting gears here…You seem to have such a commanding grasp of 70′s Tehrani-street gear. Do you have a stylist? Where do you shop?
JV: Estylist? I don’t know vhat dat is. But I shop at Ross Dress For Less on de corner of Vestvood and Massachoossetts.
PEM: You are so at peace with yourself. Is there a particular philosophy or religion that you subscribe to or practice?
JV: I beleeve in de Law of Attrakshen. You get vhat you tink abowt, vether you vant it or not. So you mite az vell tink abowt good tings. I also love de Harry Krishnas becoz dey are alvayz singing and dancing and carry no veapons. I teried to join dem vonce but dey have a ‘no moosetash’ policy.
PEM: Besides being an Amerikan hero like your childhood idol Steve McQueen, what do you dream about?
JV: A 50 incher.
PEM: Excuse me?
JV: A 50 inch felat escreen televizion.
PEM: Aaaah…So what’s next for The Sexiest Persian Alive?
JV: A nice nap.
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